I was thinking of putting this up as the first post of 2023 but in the end I decided to split it in two—I’ve just discovered that I’m not the only one staying home on January 31st (and a Saturday) so if you’re a loser like me and have nowhere to go but want to read about what it’s like to work as a professional dominant, you’ve come to the right place. We even discuss that fantastic alpha specimen, Andrew Tate. And since this substack mainly focuses on shame, that’s a bit of a theme in this conversation. Here’s me having a conversation with Sir. Timon (IG is SirTimonNyc). He describes himself as: “NYC Professional Male Dom, Kink Photographer, Sadist. Spanker. Bondage. Kink. Nurturer.”
As someone who once had one foot in the kink community, I find that this was something I used to be really ashamed of. I don't know why, maybe because I was younger and some of my friends (in university) were kind of looking down on anything "weird" when it came to sex. It was fine to have relationships, it was fine to make out during drunken parties but the few times I admitted to having gone to fetish events (hosted by Northbound, back then), there was this feeling that they felt embarrassed for me and my enthusiasm about. So I stopped sharing and if it would ever come up, I'd just say I was into the clothes more than anything. I didn't tell them, for example, that I had no qualms over being tied to St. Andrew's cross with an audience watching my partner at the time do delightful and filthy things to me. Fast-forward to now, when at 45, I'm not really interested in apologizing for my sexual desires or kinks and where I think it's the prudes who should be embarrassed. But, really, actually, no one should be embarrassed—as long as there's consent and people are enjoying themselves.
I think I found you after googling "dominant for hire" or something like that, not because I was looking but because I was curious to see if there's someone who would have a special insight into those kinds of "shameful" desires and especially within the world of kink. I'm wondering if you could tell me about your introduction to it or what attracted you and what the real story is with women who are happy to pay for a session where they get to give up some control. How much does shame play a role in kink? Is there maybe something delightful about it too, the way humiliation is a turn-on for many submissives (and normies, too, I'm sure)?
Sir. Timon: First a bit on my story, and my introduction to kink. One of my most explicit personality traits is curiosity. That has been very present in my adventures in life, to backpacking and living in Asia for years, as well as my exploration in kink. I often ask others, when did you first know you were kinky. While there are many answers, there are two common answers I hear a lot. One is that they were introduced to it by a partner, or from reading or viewing it in somewhere like the film Secretary, or something of this sort. The second is, I was kinky since I can remember and often even have stories before they were sexual that can correlate to their minds being curious. I fit into the later of the two. I was that kid in elementary school getting in trouble for “mooning” (showing my bare ass) to others, or spanking my friends. Fast forward to my late teens, and it was my curiosity to explore myself sexuality, and that continues today.
A second aspect of my story also revolves around shame. Shame is something I find incredibly common and for me personally, as a victim of sexual abuse, bullying, and physical abuse of sadistic acts as a child from multiple neighbors (all boys ranging in age from teens to early 20’s), I carried a lot of shame around that for year. It was not until my 30’s that I was able to fully confront that shame, and actually embrace it. I learned to leverage the shame I had, and by participating in consensual acts with others, take that power back.
I have clients that are on all ranges of the spectrum. Women, men, trans men, non-binary, gay, straight, queer, you name it. While not all bring shame into this space, it is absolutely present, and for some clients, at the core of what we discuss and specifically curate our sessions to include, to directly aim at that shame to regain that power. For some, it may be shame related to trauma. For others, it is shame that they are turned on and want things done to them that “society” says is shameful and wrong. The most important thing in my work is creating a safe space where my clients can be completely vulnerable. Once that is achieved, it is incredibly powerful the work we can do to remove ideological barriers around what are sexual desires should look like, versus what they actually are. Some clients involve kink in their everyday lives and would be considered lifestyle kinksters. Others keep it very private, and in some cases, only I know. I don’t judge anyone for how they manage their private lives, and I reaffirm them that does not matter to me. If I can create a safe space for them and they cannot find it elsewhere, I feel privileged to allow them to break down some of those barriers.
I read a lot of trashy, self-published erotica because I love how unapologetic (that word again; I really like it so I tend to overuse it) the authors are (mostly women). There seems to be a special interest in books that talk about dub-con and even non-con, books that many readers hide from their loved ones possibly for the fear of judgement. And many women in the groups that I belong to, that read those kinds of books, talk about how they're not into those things in their real lives but then many also lament not having partners who would help them facilitate some of those fantasies. I guess my question is do you ever get hired to act out fantasies like that that women might not be able to share with their partners? Do people show up with specific scenarios or how do you establish what would happen in a session?
Sir. Timon: I believe there are two types of fantasies. There are those which are more correlated with the definition of a fantasy, and just that. Something maybe you get off to by watching, or reading about, but you do not actually want that done, nor to participate in. There is a second type in my opinion, that is less so a fantasy, but it is an actual desire that is just suppressed. One usually would not say, I have a fantasy to go to Japan. Maybe for financial reasons, this desire is suppressed. It is just a desire, or a goal, that has not been met yet. When it comes to sexual desires, there is an immense amount of judgement, especially with cis gendered women, due to our misogynistic societal norms and religion. Men do not create a safe space for women to be sexually free. It is no surprise that a woman growing up as sexually free, is considered a slut. A man doing the same thing, is congratulated and enshrined by their escapades. So of course, I believe women have a significantly harder time dealing with this.
As for my clients, I think it is a mixed bag. It is often that with beginners in the kink and BDSM space, that they have these “fantasies” which really are desires that have yet to be explored. They watch videos of being spanked and want to be punished. Or they may want to really explore anal play and stimulation, but never had a partner who they felt safe to do so with, or it has gone all wrong when they tried it their 2 or 3 times. I would say it is about 60/40, where clients 60% of the time generally can explain their curiosities, their desires, their intent, and have a basis for why they want to see me as a client. They may not know the specific acts which fit into those, but that is where I can help guide them. And then 40% of clients, generally do not have a great way to explain their desires outside of, “I want to feel controlled.”
As you know your job is quite unusual in that it's usually women who provide sex work, so I imagine there's not a lot of competition or perhaps there isn't enough interest. But, then again, I'm making assumptions. Can you tell me a little bit about the sort of client you work with? And what do you think is different about female clients -- I know you don't work with male clients (other than in a couple setting), how much of what you do has to do with sex and how much is some other element, like I don't know, women allowing themselves to be uninhibited in their sessions with you? You know when I try to come up with a typical client (if there's such a thing), I have in mind some kind of a powerful CEO, someone who spends long hours having to be in control and who uses the sessions to be able to let go of control... Am I close? Do any of those relationships develop outside of your work and in what ways?
Sir Timon: You are correct in that my line of work is predominately providers who are women, female at birth, or trans. A cis gendered man in this space is quite uncommon, and those I do know of in the New York market generally are exclusively in the gay scene only. As a male provider that is open to clients of all genders and sexualities, there is not much competition in terms of female clients looking for a male provider. This is by no means a call for more male providers. It takes a unique skillset and personality to do this work. This work is never about me, my desires, my kinks, or my pleasure. Sure, that may come into play depending on some clients, that may be their biggest kink, but the focus is always on the client. Creating a safe space for them, allowing them to vulnerable, be heard, and be held. And if that is surrounded by sadistic or degrading or pleasurable acts, it feels whole to them. And that is generally what they seek.
As a correction to your question, I do work with male clients, and those of all genders. It has shifted throughout the years, and at times was 80% male clients. Currently, it is 30% male clients, 60% female clients, and 10% female at birth, either trans or non-binary clients. Of all of my clients, it usually follows the 80/20 rule, where 80% of clients are beginners or intermediate in experience, and the focus is really on exploring their desires and boundaries/limits. The other 20% are lifestyle kinksters who know exactly what they want, and for some of those clients, every session may be nearly identical in the focus of the session. Women tend to fall more into the 80% category, where they want to explore, they want to learn about their bodies, they want to find their boundaries and limits, and they want to understand why they have these desires. I find that almost exclusively with female clients, that exploring is the basis, which I believe is completely due to the suppression of women and their sexualities.
When it comes to actual penetrative sex, this may come as a surprise, but it is not actually a focal point in what I do. In fact, I generally do not have penetrative sex with my clients. While that can be negotiated for recurring clients if the fit is right and it fits within the spectrum of what their desires are, it will still be a small portion of our time together. Even when penetrative sex is involved, other aspects of kink and bdsm, such a protocol and training, impact play, bondage, sensory deprivation, are all areas that also are a key focal point, and I want to emphasize that exploration without sex being involved. Generally, while that may still be a desire for a client, through how I go through my session routines, and integrate aspects of kink and BDSM, they often find that the psychological aspect is actually more important to them then the physical and realize that sex is actually not the basis of what they need. They want to feel something. Maybe they want to recreate a feeling. That generally does not occur through sex alone.
As for my clients, I have some that are in very high-powered jobs and executive for very large firms or corporations. While that is true, the stereotypical situation of an executive at day, and submissive at night, it is less common that perceived. I have more clients who work in education for example. Others are artists and creatives. Some are entrepreneurs and self-employed. While I do not ever know how much my client’s income range is, I can generally have a sense, and it ranges, where some are flush with disposable income, and maybe they do see me more often, or gift me items that can be lavish. And there are others who I have openly discussed they make very little money, and find our sessions incredibly powerful and needed, but struggle to afford them.
I have never nor will I take a client relationship outside of just that. I have never seen a client (outside of running into them once or twice in NYC) outside of my dungeon. That is a clear boundary for me, and they can pay for my time if that want that, but the relationship is clearly defined.
I've noticed there's been this trend of people (mostly men) dubbing themselves "Alpha." This is something that I think was popularized by Andrew Tate who I believe misunderstands the concept to a pathological degree. I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about this phenomenon. What do you think makes a true alpha?
Sir. Timon: This is one that really bothers me. Countless times, have I heard horror stories, generally by women, of men not understanding consent, lack of negotiating, lack a respect for boundaries, and think that just slapping someone around is kink and if someone is kinky, well, just physically overpower them and that is the answer. 100% NO. First. If someone describes themselves as an Alpha, in ANY sense, I will say that is a massive red flag. Run away and do not look back. I believe the word Alpha is misused, and men are taking advantage of it. Which is why I believe it is a red flag. Do I understand what the term means and are there actual alphas in this world. Of course. But they don’t describe themselves in that way.
My belief of what makes a true Alpha, the most important aspects are generally not regarded in this false stereotype of “Alpha.” And this is where I find it conflicting. A true Alpha has emotions, they are empathetic, they are good listeners, they are nurturing, they are in tune with physical touch, and they are selfless. ONLY then, can the “physical” or “mental” attributes of being Alpha fully complete the circle. Being in tune completely with a Sub, or Beta, has nothing to do with just being overly physical with them. It is knowing how to navigate, knowing how to protect, knowing how to listen to body language, and being confident in every decision you make that it is a safe one for the submissive, or Beta. A true Alpha will ask questions, negotiate, respect your boundaries, know how to clearly get consent, and do so in a very dominant way. Lacking any of those things, and you are no Alpha, but rather an imposter who needs a spanking yourself.