Jay, Jay, she says out-loud to no one
she wants to say his name more — more!
saying his name feels like he belongs to her
but
she has to ration the word, saying it too often means that she is obsessive and weak and she cannot be that
Jay, she allows herself one more time
the name brings forth an image of a bird, a small blue and white bird with a mohawk; this bird is a mascot for a baseball team that has recently won some sort of a championship in the place that she lives now
Almost-America, she writes to Ania, writes that Blue Jays won
it’s called baseball
she writes, coincidentally Jay is also diminutive of His actual name
she underlines His twice
*
She is now in Jay’s car, what kind of a car, a white car, big like a boat, she doesn’t drive
Pretty girls don’t have to drive, Jay told her when she said she didn’t have her license and that’s the kind of a guy Jay is
– he’s nice despite himself, she writes to Ania –
Jay turned a hangup about into something sweet
Does it mean Jay will now be like American boyfriends in movies picking her up and dropping her off?
she doesn’t know, Jay isn’t a boyfriend
but what is Jay?
She is afraid to ask what Jay is
and there’s no way she would ask him to drive her to school
– Jay is an adult, Jay has a job –
but pick her up, yes, please, because imagine all the stuck-up Polish Monicas
What would they think of Jay with his long hair and his cigarette
in this white car
showing up, saying, Gothgirl get in, and her turning the volume up, NIN Closer, windows rolled down?
I took some shrooms, do you want some? Jay says right now, and she looks ahead on to the tea-dark road, and then to the side, endless fields of corn or tobacco
horizon trees, tea leaves
In Princetown, population 12,000
they stop in front of a bungalow and in the basement people older than her drink beers, and shout and laugh
She watches Jay pick up a pool cue and she watches as he polishes its tip with a piece of chalk and she imagines herself to be the tip or maybe she is the chalk
she is the chalk
Come here, I’ll show you how to hold it, she doesn’t drive and doesn’t know how to play pool, Jay says to Nigel whose laughter sounds how he speaks, accented
This is Nigel and he gets all the chicks because he’s British
Ha ha, she laughs too, and thinks how many things you need to know if you want to fit into a small town in Almost-America
– chicks, baseball, driving, being popular, sneaking into a bar with a fake ID
add: playing pool –
it’s different from Warsaw where she took streetcars
– dinosaur bones, fencing, synchronized swimming classes inside the palace of Arts and Culture, gifted to the Poles by Joseph Stalin –
or
how she got drunk with her friends in a student pub not far from the palace
and no one asked if she was 18
This is the only story she has that impresses Jay
Jay says Poland sounds like a shitty place
all those communists spying on people
Jay has not retained the information that the communists are gone
she wonders if what Jay knows about the Eastern block is whatever Jay read in a comic book about supervillains
The pool cue slides and wobbles between her fingers as she hits the white ball, which clanks weakly against a purple ball
she says, I hate this
Babe, Jay takes the cue away from her
she giggles, I’m sorry
It’s fine, you’re just a little baby, Jay says
she giggles
Go, Jay says
So she goes and she stops to watch a small crowd watching a beautiful girl with arm tattoos
The girl is melting the head of a hairpin on the stove, spreading dark-green oil onto a rolling paper like a butterfly wing and she places some tobacco mixed with probably weed
tongue piercing flashing
the girl licks along the joint and then she starts making another one
people say, Tiff, you’re a pro, Tiff
Tiff, Tiff, Tiff, Jay calls from across the room, give [ ] a toke
she pushes away the thought that if Jay cannot pronounce her name correctly Jay is probably not in love with her
but
Jay gave her a nickname, which proves that Jay might be in love with her
Later that evening she kisses Jay
through a thick fog of hashish high
her heart clanks like a pool ball in her chest
she thinks things like “what am I thinking of”
her tongue feels huge and when they kiss she tries to push it out of her mouth and into his
Jay says, Whoa, whoa, Gothgirl
sometime later Jay opens the car door and throws up
shrooms, he says
Jay starts the car
As they drive home, Jay closes his eyes
she screams, Jay, Jay
She is happy that she finally has a good reason to say his name so many times
I guess we didn’t die, so there’s that too, she writes to Ania
*
A few nights later, on Wednesday during “Diaper Night” at the bar, Tiff's friend says, Is it true that you’re a virgin?
– add: not being a virgin –
I’m not virgin, she says
What’s that? Jay appears with a tray filled with dirty pint glasses, some with dregs in it which Jay starts pouring into her coke can
she laughs as if she’s in on it
everyone is looking at her and she takes a sip
Gross, man, Tiff’s friend says and turns away
Leave her alone, who cares if she’s a virgin, says Tiff
Later she watches Jay kiss Tiff by the bar, her long arms with flowers and snakes wrapped around his shoulders and neck
you couldn’t be jealous of someone like Tiff who rides a motorcycle, who rolls perfect joints that she doesn’t smoke, who is getting out of Woodstock for good, she has signed a contract with Elite
*
Two weeks later on another all-ages night
she is upstairs in one of the hotel rooms above the bar and she is wearing a matching Mickey Mouse set underneath her summer dress
The room is clean but the ceiling is low, the carpet is beige and there’s a cigarette burn in the thick curtain, which she focuses on
Jay pulls the dress over her head and says, Interesting
Jay says nothing else and unclasps her bra
Jay pulls her panties off
She thinks of a fight she had with her mother before they left for Canada
Her mother’s friend spotted her in the brand-new Marriott, the first real American hotel, where the bathrooms were white and shiny with toilets sticking out of the wall instead of the floor, and where an American man gave her 20 US dollars to show him her breasts
She hoped this would and wouldn’t happen again
Ania said they should know their way around luxury
the plan was for the two of them to move to California once everything was settled
Anyway, her mother screamed, What are you doing going to hotels?
She says now, Jay, why not go to your house, wait, she says
Jay says, What’s the matter with you, Tiff said you’re a virgin, so are you? I don’t want to fuck a virgin
she thinks that’s good, perfect, here’s an excuse but then she thinks of all the Monicas and all the Tiff’s friends whispering and never asking her to sit with them
No, not, she says
she waits as Jay arranges his body and her body underneath his
Jay says, Ready?
she says nothing or maybe she says something
or how they say here: big deal
the headboard bangs against the wall
and it’s fine
she composes a letter to Ania, it was in a hotel, not a Marriott, a boutique hotel, Jay was really tender
About my nickname, she thinks to add, Jay calls me Gothgirl because Jay says I’m a downer
I think it’s just my face
and people always ask me, do I like it here?
Like they all invited me,
But fuck this place
She won’t add any of that
yet this is the only thing that Jay has gotten right about her
and this is the only thing that feels right
being
oh
so
so
sad.
This was published in 2007 in a magazine that didn’t pay and that later ceased to exist. It is not a memoir. It is all about shame, of course.