The other day I talked with A., a potential client. I really liked her as a person, I liked her (really meaningful) project, and I think we’re going to have a great working relationship. She has a good feeling about me too.
In 2020, I was contacted by another client, B., who also seemed lovely, who gave me friendship vibes right away (this is not always a good thing—*more on that in a moment) and who had a great story, and a great idea for her project. Her project was also really meaningful and I thought it had a great potential. We met a bunch of times, we talked extensively, and eventually arrived at a plan of action, part of which involved me writing a 60-page proposal (with files from her). We signed contracts. I fulfilled my part of the deal. The first payment was late but not too late.
And that was that for payments.
Because we (kind of) became friends, I was privy to an ongoing personal turmoil in her life that was really challenging (and that required money—which is why she presumably didn’t have it, and whether that’s true or not, that’s what I understood). Every time the subject of money would come up, she would bring up the personal situation and I felt like a monster for pestering her about my little payment while she had to deal with much more serious things. I mean, I tried here and there but eventually I got so worn down I stopped asking altogether and made peace with the fact that I spent three months of my life working for free and that I was the kind of person who has no problem saying goodbye to $8,000.
But this wasn’t just about money. No matter how you slice it, in that moment I had unwittingly decided that this client’s difficult situation and her family was more important than me and my son (I’m a solo parent).
Back to Client A. Once we were done discussing her project, she brought up money. In my usual fashion, I mumbled something about getting back to her about that because I felt guilty and because it’s not nice to ask for money (women especially have a hard time asking for money but much smarter people have written loads about this so I won’t). And then she told me this:
Money is Energy.
She explained that it was in her best interest to pay me if she wanted her project to succeed—not just succeed in general and to make sure I felt obligated to work on it because I got paid, but because it was important to her to put good energy in to get good energy out. So instead of seeing this as just an assignment and a job, I suddenly saw it as a sort of an exchange of forces and I went from feeling awkward and shy about being paid to feeling like we were establishing an energetic loop.
I’m not a very spiritual person and I don’t know a lot about things like energetic loops (I made that term up but it sounds like the right way of defining it), but thinking of Money as Energy frees me from all my prejudices and fears around it and I no longer feel guilt for getting paid what I’m worth. I want to exchange more energy with this person, I want to be paid because I suddenly understand that this goes beyond an actual legal contract but it’s rather an agreement in the universe. If you’re a woman who’s struggling with getting paid for your work, perhaps this will help you too. And if you’re the kind of person who wants to haggle and get deals and/ or get work done for you for free… well, then you’re establishing a deficit so even if you end up getting what you want (a finished project that you saved up on because you managed to wear down the contractor), that deficit exists now and there’s nothing you can do about it until you make things right.
Client B. got what she was going to pay for. I stopped working for her once I finished the proposal (and according to our agreement, I did advocate for her once but not after it became clear that no more money was coming my way). In the end, I felt somewhat resentful about it and it really was too bad that it ended the way it ended because I went into it with the best intention, with all kinds of motivation and good faith and I think that we would’ve been successful had we had an energetic loop that didn’t break because of the deficit.
I have high hopes for Client A. and I am forever grateful for the little lesson she gave me. We are starting our professional relationship in fairness and with the right momentum so truthfully, I actually cannot wait to work with her and partly this is because I don’t need to stress about her paying me (you can imagine how murky things get when you talk to a client and instead of focusing on the actual work and how to make it sing, you’re distracted because you’re anxious about having your time wasted because maybe they’re going to bail. I mean, ugh.)