Building your armour out of guts
"...your life is your life. know it while you have it. you are marvelous the gods wait to delight in you."
Telling people about your Shame is a gamble but it’s one that might save your life. In many ways, disclosing shame and taking ownership of it is also self-protection. Back when I made a decision to write a memoir about being an addict, it was because I no longer wanted to leave it up to others to take stock of my transgressions. You shouldn’t leave it up to others either. If you can, own it. But always be prepared for negative reactions, something I’ve learned with Drunk Mom when some reviewers and journalists called me exhibitionistic or wanting to make a career out of spilling my guts. That wasn’t my motivation and I cried a bit about being misunderstood but after the initial surprise at how they saw my work, I decided it was a compliment in disguise. Their reactions allowed me to face what (back then) I perceived as public shaming and I quickly learned that I could withstand it. Here are my guts and you cannot look away from them. I cannot tell you what to say about what you’re seeing, but I am not sorry.
Of course, being open about things that hurt means that sometimes we might overdo it on “confession” but, also, what does that mean exactly? Losing some readers and upsetting a few pearl-clutchers, maybe losing a friendship that was conditional and depended on how acquiescing we are? If those losses hurt, that’s a good thing because this is just feedback as to what and who we can trust with our truth. Your vulnerability is an armour that you build — by trial and error. Your power lies in weakness, even in the weakness of how you go about building that power.
Many people smarter than me have come to a similar conclusion. Existentialism,1 a philosophical movement that emerged in the 20th century, emphasizes the importance of individual freedom and choice in the face of life's inherent uncertainties and challenges. From an existentialist perspective, vulnerability can be seen as strength because it involves facing our deepest fears and anxieties and being willing to confront the unknown. Revealing something that shows our failings – whether it’s motherhood or drinking – and taking responsibility and even pride in our authenticity paradoxically turns failure on its head and uses it as a building block for our character.
With freedom comes the responsibility to create our own purpose in life. To do this, we must be willing to embrace and face our own limitations and uncertainties. And, being open about those things, propels the concept of freedom and responsibility even further because it takes the choice away from the people who might be careless and stupid with the information; who will use it to ridicule us. We should not rely on external factors such as gossip, fate, or destiny to guide our lives. Instead, we must create our own path. By taking responsibility for our own lives, embracing our failings, and being true to ourselves, we can create meaning in a world that is inherently uncertain and chaotic. Your life is your life2.
Another theme of existentialism is the importance of authenticity. This means being true to ourselves3 and our own values, rather than conforming to societal expectations or external pressures. According to the philosophers Sartre and Martin Heidegger, authenticity means recognizing our own freedom and making choices that are in line with one's own unique existence. Being aware of our limitations, such as our own mortality, should motivate us to live authentically and not waste one's time on things that are not meaningful or fulfilling (for example, worrying about others’ opinion on how we get sober or that we’ve relapsed or that we write weird shit).
To be authentic, we must be willing to confront our deepest fears and anxieties. It was also Existentialism’s darling, Friedrich Nietzsche, who wrote the famous fodder for many memes, "What does not kill me makes me stronger" which can be interpreted to mean that the adversity one faces in life can make them only more resilient.
Jean-Paul Sartre argued that we must take responsibility for our own lives and create meaning in a world that is inherently uncertain and meaningless. He famously wrote, "Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." Sartre also emphasized the importance of facing our own vulnerabilities and limitations. In his book Being and Nothingness, he wrote, "Man is a being who makes himself by the choices he makes." We must embrace our own vulnerability and take responsibility for our choices, even in the face of difficult circumstances.
Beloved by all sober drunks, the poem “The Laughing Heart” by Charles Bukowski contains this famous first line and you should read it, if you don’t know it already.
The internet wrongly attributes popularizing the idea of “vulnerability as strength” to the bestselling author and a research professor, Brené Brown, who in her famous TED Talk (62,258,390 views at the time of this writing) and subsequent book "Daring Greatly," argued that being vulnerable and open about our feelings and experiences can lead to greater connection with others, more creativity, and ultimately more fulfillment in life. If you ask the internet, you will learn that it was Brown who came up with the idea that embracing vulnerability can help us to be more authentic, courageous, and resilient. Long before Brown and even before the existentialists, there was Aristotle who saw vulnerability as an opportunity for self-improvement rather than a weakness to be avoided. The Stoics believed that vulnerability and emotional openness were important for personal growth and resilience. The philosopher Epictetus said, "If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." And the philosopher Lao Tzu from ancient China wrote about the strength in being flexible and yielding, which can also be seen as a form of vulnerability.