Doers versus Talkers

Be impeccable with your word

I’ve been thinking about Doers versus Talkers for a while, especially since I made that decision to launch myself a pen name. I have that annoying propensity to get excited too soon and announce things when they aren’t fully confirmed. This is not to brag, or anything like that, but rather to keep myself accountable. That’s why I don’t have any hang-ups about telling people what book I’m working on – I remember being on a book panel in Ottawa and the other two authors who were asked that question balked at it. The Irish one, said it’s a sacred process and he doesn’t want to jinx it. Okay, O’Reilly, I’m the opposite but it’s not the best quality and what ends up happening is that a lot of people ask you about things that you might have abandoned next time they run into you. And then you have to (you don’t have to) give them a whole story and there’s, of course, the little shame that comes with it of being a flake. There’s a saying in Polish, “słomiany zapał,” which literally means “straw fire,” in other words something that burns bright and fast and then it’s gone. In English, you’ve got your “flash in the pan.”

So to curb that, to be more of a Doer rather than a Talker, I try to pace myself with my announcements and generally try to sleep on them for a while, let them cook or percolate, or grow wings, or whatever they do, before I present them to the public. And if it’s something longer, say a book, I wait till I have at least 100 pages. Some of my friends have a will of steel and announce their things only after they have signed a contract with a publisher. I am not some of my friends.

What I do have in common with some of those friends is that I genuinely strive to Do what I say I will do. I mean creatively but this is good for all areas of one’s life. If you ask some of my exes I am not the most reliable person and my sister would probably say the same, but sober and in recovery, it is a lot harder to flake out. My conscience is always, annoyingly, with me. Especially when I commit to do something for or with another person. Then I’m on the hook not just for myself. This is not to say that I don’t cancel – oh fuck, do I ever – but I do my best to come through.

When I first moved to Toronto, I encountered my first Talker. He was in the publishing business and he talked a BIG TALK. He would probably tell you that he discovered me if you were to ask him, but the truth is I would discover myself eventually, I just got stuck with him for a little because I did fall for the BIG TALK. He used to bring me to fancy parties and parade me around and call me “genius.” We didn’t have a romantic relationship because no. The BIG TALK was all about what the nonexistent book of mine would accomplish. First of all, there would be a book. Big contract with a big publisher. A movie. A fucking video game! He knew EVERYBODY and EVERYBODY knew him. He was popular at those parties. But nothing was ever happening – not for me, not for him. Not for other geniuses who back then were mostly tall, slim brunettes in their twenties.

Soon enough, I realized that all of that was, indeed mostly just Talk and we parted ways. He did eventually have a small success but Hollywood never came knocking. Which brings me to people who talk about Hollywood, specifically people who say “Ehl-LAY.” I think the Ehl-LAY people are the most Talker-y and the least Doer-y because they are in the business that is built on promise and bullshit. They must live in a state of curated delusion. It’s an industry that runs on vibes, not facts: on champagne toasts at wrap parties for movies that may never see release, on endless pitch meetings that go nowhere, on scripts optioned just to rot in development hell. Everyone's got a "project in the works" that’s always six months away from production. Studios acquire thousands of scripts every year, yet fewer than ONE percent ever make it to the screen. Writers – like me – get optioned for a pittance, not to see their work made, but to give executives something to wave around at meetings. Development deals are handed out like candy and yanked just as quickly. Even for insiders, success is a mirage—measured in proximity, not in actual outcomes. Being attached to a “hot” project means everything, even if the project dies in committee three months later.

Delusion becomes a survival tactic. If you believed the odds, you’d walk away. So they tell themselves this is the year. This is the script. This is the role. Because if they stop believing, the whole machine sputters out. I’ve only had a small brush with this world – when Drunk Mom got optioned by a big studio – and I was feverish when it happened. But a friend who got burned warned: “Never talk about it.” So, for the most part I didn’t but I saw what I saw.

It’s a little more gentle for the book people – we sign a contract and then depending on the publisher, big things happen or don’t, but there’s always a book at the end of it. It’s a lot easier to be a Doer in this situation, since we barely depend on other people to write this book, except, of course, you have to have a book to pitch, which means you have to have a book to write. And that’s the hard part – the private, unsexy, unpaid work done in solitude, without the gloss of a general meeting or a producer who "loves your voice." But, publishing, for all its sluggishness and opacity, still runs on finished things. From what I’ve seen, film runs on hypotheticals. There are exceptions, of course, and I know people in film who are actually shooting their features after having found financing for them, the crew, after probably sitting in a million meetings where they had to eat crow. I admire those Doers, especially the younger (younger than me, because that’s how I measure youth, lol) ambitious ones, people like Katie Boland, who is a friend and who just won a CSA for Best Director for a TV movie. I never see that woman Talk unless the project is in production or something. I’m in awe of that.

I’m sure everyone has seen The Four Agreements¹ – at least anyone who has had any exposure to therapy, and/ or a friend with crystals or who has been to recovery. Guess where I came across it? I didn’t memorize it but now that I’m a little harder back in recovery, I see it everywhere, again. My favourite one and the only one I memorized is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” I just love that phrase, don’t you? I know it’s more about keeping your promises and not gossiping, but in my mind it’s saved next to the “Be a Doer,” or, if you rather, if you’re going to Talk then you better Do. Meaning, this is a reminder for myself to not Talk if I can’t or won’t or might not Do. I’m reminded of it, every time I have to bury the ashes of yet another straw fire; I’m reminded to light that fire less. And maybe to surround myself with the sort of people who understand the difference between those two concepts, too.

1. The Four Agreements are a set of guiding principles from the bestselling book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz, (supposedly) rooted in ancient Toltec wisdom. They’re simple, but profound:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
   Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
   

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
   Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
   

3. Don't Make Assumptions
   Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.
   

4. Always Do Your Best
   Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you’re healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.