"I think women don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to align with it."

"Our 50s are a gift. This is when we learn to shed the outdated ideals by society and the media about what a woman should look like and feel like."

Are you kidding? says, Jacquie Court, the founder of She2.0 and host of the She2.0 Podcast when I asked if she would like to answer anonymously. She adds, I am not ashamed of any of this and don’t want to go anon. I think that just further perpetuates the silence women feel they need to keep. I’m so happy you’re doing this.

I’m happy too, especially since what we’re going to talk about is a subject that’s close to my heart having just finished a draft of my new novel where the protagonist is going through perimenopause, a theme I focused on having felt dissatisfied with my own heroines up to now who were all in their early to late 30s, which is now a decade younger than me. I wanted to finally write about someone my own age, a woman who the world believes is less-than because she is older and, well, becoming invisible — at least in the sense of straight male gaze. I could go on about this a little longer — and will at some point — but for now, I want to focus on Jacquie’s intelligent and thoughtful answers about the topic of menopause and shame.

How has menopause affected your sense of self, and have you experienced moments of shame connected to this life stage?

At first, I had no idea what was happening. Perimenopause is such a confusing time for so many women. I thought I had depression, and my daughter was so young. I felt so much shame when I lost my shit and yelled at everyone. I used to call it the rage shame. I would yell at everyone and then send them off on their way to work and school. Then I would cry most of the morning because I felt so horrible for how I had acted and how I could see it made them feel. There were times I honestly didn’t think I should even be a mother.

When feelings of shame arise during menopause, what personal strategies or practices have helped you combat them?

I used to just hide my feelings and try to blame it on other things (finances, our marriage, a work situation, etc.). But that wasn’t helpful, and it wasn’t healthy. I started to research peri/menopause and there wasn’t a lot of info out there at the time. So, I started talking to women and friends my age. It’s amazing how women feel so relieved when they can open up about this topic. It made me feel sane again. I realized this was something I was going through, not who I was. I took that information and began sharing it because I wanted all women to know that there are resources and solutions. It made me feel empowered after years of feeling so hopeless and insecure.

How have you navigated changes in your body during menopause, and have you found ways to embrace or celebrate these shifts?

I’m still navigating those. I am easier on myself now. I think our 50s are a gift. This is when we learn to shed the outdated ideals by society and the media about what a woman should look like and feel like. I gave way less fucks into my 50s. I put my focus on being healthy and maintaining my weight instead of doing unhealthy things just to look good. It’s funny how that mindset shifts so drastically. I look back on my 20s to my 40s and I can’t believe how poorly I treated my body and my mind. I was so easily influenced by the media and the entertainment industry who didn’t even know me and yet they were targeting my self-esteem. And for what?

Are there particular affirmations, rituals, or habits that help you cultivate self-compassion during this transition?

Yes! I am really focusing on my self-worth. I realize now that when I felt wounded other people’s opinions and comments, it was because I didn’t recognize my own worth. I was hurt because I let their opinions override what I knew of myself to be true. I was a people pleaser, and I would always prioritize other people’s feelings over my own happiness. It created a lot of issues for me and my daughter pointed it out to me once. She recalled that as a young child, I didn’t stand up for her in a situation because I didn’t want to upset the other mother. I felt sick when she told me that. I knew the exact situation she was referring to and it always gnawed at my gut. It was my wakeup call to put myself and my family first. I remind myself every day that I am worth health and happiness but only I can create that. I’m terrible with setting boundaries so it has been the biggest challenge of my life. I have lost relationships over it, and I couldn’t be happier.

Who or what has been the most supportive during this journey, and how have they helped you overcome feelings of embarrassment or isolation?

My husband first and foremost. He has always been my buddy. He listens, he asks questions, and he reminds me that a lot of this is in my head, not my heart. Sometimes he says the hard things and I appreciate that. I have a few friends I openly discuss this with and the fact that we can laugh at ourselves has made the world of difference. This situation requires levity and compassion.

Have you found it difficult to talk about menopause openly, and what helped you begin to share your experiences?

I never found it that difficult. I found it aversive to many people. I had women in my community say things like “You and your menopause’ as if I had the market cornered on it. I’d be a bizillionaire if I did! I think women don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to align with it. Society has made us feel that once we hit ‘a certain age’ we are invisible, unattractive and pointless in society. I bought into that for a long time. Now I realize just how much society fears women and our power. I cringe at the toxic positivity around the topic of menopause because it sure isn’t an easy transition. But I do believe being honest about the experience while approaching it with hope and positivity has been very helpful in opening the conversation and making it more comfortable for women to engage, ask questions and seek support.

How have cultural or societal expectations shaped your feelings about menopause, and how do you push back against those pressures?

Don’t even get me started! Women over 40 have been ignored by the media, the entertainment industry and medical research for decades.¹ Suddenly, brands and the media are all over us. Why? Because we are worth SO MUCH MONEY to them. I think we are right to feel trepidatious about their sudden interest in us. Look at all the new magic pills and products aimed to ‘cure’ our menopause? It drives me nuts. We have a term – ‘menowashing’, it’s when a brand slaps the word ‘menopause’ on to a product and then advertises it as a solution. That’s dangerous to our health. Yet, the visual representation of women in this stage of life hasn’t really come too far. We still see the outdated images of older women, white/grey hair, looking like a forlorn Golden Girl. That is not me. That is not any of the women I know. Brands and the media will eventually find their way to center on this. However, right now, they are doing whatever they can to get into our pockets. Thankfully we have our experience and years of wisdom behind us.

How do you maintain confidence in your sexuality and intimacy during menopause, despite any stigma or changes you may have experienced?

That was never really an issue for me however my lack of libido has been a huge issue. My doctor put me on an SSRI when I talked about my mood swings and anxiety. That killed my libido. Doctors are quick to prescribe pills to solve all our problems. I would say that if anything, I feel more comfortable and open about sex than I ever have. My body has taken me on a long journey, and it hasn’t always been easy. I’m damn proud of all it is capable of, and I want to really look after it now. I’m not 20 and I don’t want to look 20. I want to look great for 56. As far as I’m concerned, the media and society better try to keep up with us.

Are there women or stories you’ve looked to for inspiration in overcoming shame around menopause?

I’ve heard so many horror stories about failed diagnosis, dismissive attitudes by our healthcare system and practitioners and serious health related issues due to lack of proper care. It shocks me that we’re still dealing with this. However, what has really come out of all this for me is the courage and strength women have to push forward, demand answers and put pressure on their healthcare practitioners to support them properly. They aren’t taking ‘you’re just at that age’ or ‘it’s just menopause’ as an answer. They know that we deserve to live a healthy and powerful life. They aren’t letting anyone off the hook when it comes to their health. I love that.

How have you redefined this stage of life for yourself, and what positive aspects have you discovered in this journey?

I think we begin to shed our people pleasing as our ‘nurturing’ years are ending. I’m an older mom of a young teen so I still have a long way to go and I’m happy about that. But I’m also finding more courage and confidence to walk away from toxic situations whereas I wouldn’t have before. I no longer fear new opportunities, changes or challenges. I feel a sense of ‘letting go’ that I can’t really explain. I wish I had felt this way a decade ago, but I know that’s not possible. I had to experience so much to get here. That’s why ageism is funny to me. I am a walking knowledge resource, and employers are missing out on this wealth of information and experience with ageist practices and outdated policies. I tell any woman coming up to this time her life to buckle up, because we’re literally hitting our prime and we still have a long way to go!

Jacquie Court is the founder of She2.0 and host of the She2.0 Podcast. She creates content and community to help guide women through their midlife journey including perimenopause and beyond. Through her podcast series and platforms, she connects experts with her audience to help educate, inform, and show women all the options available to them because she wants the world to know that menopause doesn’t have to suck.

1. I am guilty of that myself having avoided writing about women over-40!