On ADHD, accomplishments and letting yourself get angry.
"Your worth is not defined by what your job situation is or what your job is." [Ed: or your diagnosis!]
Today’s post is an interview with a new friend who has asked to be anonymous. When sending out my questions, I always let people know that it’s fine to answer anonymously — we are, after all, talking about painful and very private things. One person who agreed to talk about their experience of incarceration pointed out that this defeats the purpose of “unshaming,” choosing to go anon instead of owning your shit. I disagree. In the perfect world, where we don’t judge people for having an illness, or for not having a shiny career and a big house, or for how they look and so on, we’d all slap our names next to our shames without consequences. In the perfect world someone revealing their shame wouldn’t have to worry about not finding employment because of admitting to having had a bumpy career road or having something like ADHD1, or finding a date after being open about being in recovery. This is not the perfect world. The friend I’m talking with here is, however, perfect in how she navigates her diagnosis and how she deals with things she used to feel ashamed of. I can’t give you too many identifying details but I can tell you she is also someone who is a journalist, who has a hugely popular Instagram account discussing art (with wicked write-ups and graphics), who is into sports and who has a beautiful family consisting of a husband and a sweet dog. Recently, we had an amazing meal in a restaurant in B.C., and despite the fact that it was our first in-person meeting, we hit it off really well, which I think is also a testimonial to how warm and inviting she also is as a person; an instant friend. And like one of the 195,000 000 adults worldwide, she has been diagnosed with a common condition that affects people of all ages, races, and genders.
How did you feel when you were diagnosed with ADHD later in life? Did this diagnosis bring a sense of relief or did it invoke feelings of shame about past struggles?
I was diagnosed in my late 30s after I'd had a strong feeling I'd had it for a while. With the rise of social media and these things being talked about more, I felt like I kept seeing myself represented. When I got the official diagnosis, it was a relief, and things made a lot of sense, but I felt like I was also grieving the person I could've been if I had gotten a diagnosis when I was younger.
Can you describe the impact of a late ADHD diagnosis on your self-image and your understanding of previous life challenges? In what ways has shame influenced your response to the ADHD diagnosis and your willingness to seek help or support?
A late ADHD diagnosis definitely made me look back and reflect on things throughout my entire life, and it all just clicked. It's not like I was ever bad in school or struggled with assignments; it was a lot of other little things that were signs. My deep obsessions with my interests, completely immersing myself in things I loved more than someone else my age did, and extreme hyper-focus on things I loved and that interested me were also signs. Also, high-functioning anxiety to get things done and to bottle up the ADHDness so it wasn't obvious to an outsider. I think social media and the internet has helped with shame related to an ADHD diagnosis and seeking support because it's more talked about now. The one thing I see a lot are comments about how everyone thinks they have ADHD now — which is true to an extent because there is a lot of self diagnosis — but I also think it's helped people seek a diagnosis and support. So the more it's talked about, the better.
You mentioned before that you also struggle with how you perceive where you are in life in terms of accomplishments. How do societal expectations about where you 'should' be at this stage in your life affect your mental health?
I feel like over the last 10 years ago, societal expectations on my mental health have slowly subsided because I've started to feel like a lot of people are in the same boat. With the way the economy is, a lot of us just can't get ahead in life, but that doesn't mean there still aren't expectations on where we 'should' be. I'm trying to just focus on what I can control now and not let what societal expectations are impact how I see myself.
Do you ever feel pressure that you should be more accomplished by now? How do you cope with these feelings?
I've certainly felt this a lot, especially with having actual savings or owning property. Things just aren't the same as they were when we were growing up in the 90s when you could buy property so much more easily, but with the way the housing crisis has gone and how wages aren't increasing the way they did 30-40 years ago, I'm trying to let go of feeling like I should be more accomplished. I've gone to school at two different times in my life, the second time to chase a career I really wanted, so I don't have regrets about following my heart in what I want. I am accomplished in different ways.
What role does shame play when you compare your achievements to those of your peers?
It's not a much as it used to be because I think achievements are different for everyone. For some it's having kids or having a family, which is something I knew for myself I didn't want in my late 20s and early 30s. When I look at what I've done with my career, I'm happy with my achievements. I do think, however, that people get judgemental if someone doesn't want or hasn't done the same things they have, which is a whole other conversation lol.
What strategies have you found most effective in building yourself back up during challenging times?
I think just allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel in the moment instead of burying your emotions or frustrations. I think allowing yourself to be upset or angry or whatever you need to feel so that you can build yourself back up is super important so that you can reshift your focus.
Can you share a moment when you felt knocked down by life’s circumstances but managed to rise again stronger?
In late 2019 I was laid off from a job I had been at for almost 4 years, and then landed a role in February 2020 that I was excited about. A month later I was also laid off from that job due to COVID, and then spent the next year searching relentlessly for work only to land a job in February 2021 and have it be the worst work experience of my life. I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to work out, so I was on the lookout for another job almost immediately and got this one. Ultimately I got laid off from this job almost 4 years later, but I think what it's taught me over the last five years is that your worth is not defined by what your job situation is or what your job is. And it's taught me that something does always work out even if you can't see the forest for the trees.
What advice would you give to someone struggling to rebuild their self-esteem after a series of setbacks?
Allow yourself to feel angry, upset and cry if you need to. It's all part of the process. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, you're allowed to. But try to remember it doesn't last forever. These situations are only for a short while, something better will come along in time.
What is ADHD?
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a developmental disorder marked by persistent symptoms of inattention and/or hyperactivity and impulsivity that interfere with functioning or development.
Symptoms begin in childhood and can affect daily life, including social relationships and school or work performance. ADHD is well-known among children and teens, but many adults also have the disorder.
People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of:
Inattention: Having problems staying on task, paying attention, or being organized, which are not due to defiance or a lack of comprehension.
Hyperactivity: Being extremely restless or constantly moving, including in situations when it is not appropriate; excessively fidgeting or tapping; or talking too much.
Impulsivity: Acting without thinking, interrupting others, or having difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity can also involve a desire for immediate rewards or an inability to delay gratification or consider long-term consequences.