On orgasms and lying
Or why trust is the greatest foreplay
I once had a lover who was lying to me. It was a casual relationship that I wasn’t sure I wanted to turn into something serious so I didn’t confront him because I thought I had “no right” to do so being casual so it went on for a time. Without being too cryptic: he was lying about dating someone else besides me. This person was in another town, five hours away (hello, Montreal!) and he and I were together often so I was hoping the situation would resolve organically before everything would really get to me but as you imagine as time went on, I started caring more and it started to get to me. Not that there was another person but that he wasn’t saying anything about it. In the beginning of our relationship (and it is a relationship, whether things are casual or not; your morning coffee ritual with the same barista is a relationship), I told him I didn’t share. I was explicit about it. That’s just my preference that has to do with energy exchange and intimacy. To me sexual intimacy is sacred but it is also practical and biological since I am a woman (more on that in a bit). But, had he said something, I don’t know, perhaps I would’ve considered that I was sharing and had he said something to her as well maybe we could all work out an arrangement. This is because I am not opposed to polyamory. But I am deeply opposed to lying (through omission as well).
For a while, I was giving him grace as I understood that the other relationship was meaningful too – and it possibly started before ours – and perhaps he was struggling with finding the way to tell the truth and please everyone including himself. What I wish he had known, however, was that the two women in his life – me and her – were probably not getting pleased at all. Or maybe she was getting pleased, especially since she might’ve not known about me. But if she did know she was most likely doing what most women would do in that situation, which is what I was doing, which was sit and wait and in the meantime, bring some lies of our own into it. If you consider faking orgasms lying, that is.
But it’s more than just lying — it’s shame. That thick, choking energy in the room that neither of us named. I knew he was lying. He knew I knew. And neither of us said anything. And so I started to feel ashamed of myself, for tolerating it. And I suspect he started to feel ashamed too — because deep down we all know when we are not being brave. That’s the worst part of dishonesty: it doesn’t just create distance, it creates mutual shame. He couldn’t fully respect me because I didn’t confront him. I couldn’t fully respect myself because I stayed. And once I got stuck in my head, there was no amount of foreplay that could get me out.
I will make a bold claim that most women do not orgasm with a liar. He can have the best technique in the world and be expert on our anatomy better than we are but the truth is, women’s orgasms start in our heads. And if what’s in my head is an image of my Liar with another woman – that I did not consent to or asked for – there is no way in the world, I will be able to turn that off and give myself to pleasure. Everything about how a woman has sex is about opening up — the physical opening up is truly the least important part. You have to penetrate a woman’s heart first. And if she doesn’t trust you, how will you do that?
This is not exclusive to two-timing by the way – women have an impossible time coming when there’s any lying present, or more specifically where there is a lack of trust. I know someone whose sex life crumbled because her ex was lying about smoking cigarettes. He’d lie about it, she’d smell them on him and her libido would retreat like a startled animal. They are divorced now.
Lying annihilates trust and lack of trust annihilates orgasms in women.
But more than that, it introduces shame into the space where there should be reverence. And shame is the great intimacy killer. Not just because it makes us shut down, but because it makes us perform. Shame says: don’t let them see you hurting. Shame says: pretend.
I don’t know why we don’t tell you (men) more often, why we often passively try to hint, why we wait, why we start fights to get you to fess up. I suspect this is because we’re just fucking tired – tired that we have to be responsible even for you to be a decent human being to us.
(The reason for this post is because) I recently went away with a bunch of women on a fun retreat. As you can imagine, sex came up and then a conversation about orgasms, specifically about why we sometimes fake it to keep peace (also some of us do it to preserve your fragile egos, especially if you believe yourself to be a great lover). It is a terrible thing to fake an orgasm and I don’t want to put the onus strictly on men but it doesn’t come from nothing, just as bad sex doesn’t or a woman’s inability to climax. Nine times out of 10 the reason for it is psychological and no amount of lube and technique will work.
But also, speaking of technique, there’s no worse lover than one who believes himself to be amazing in bed. Any man – Johnny Sins and a few others excepted – who talks about being god’s gift to women because of his past success, should be immediately sent to Sex Bootcamp, which is where he will instantly learn that what works on one woman will not work on another. There is no one map to us. How could there be if we ourselves live most of our lives in total confusion about our bodies? How could there be if most women and health practitioners do not know complete female anatomy, at least as far as pleasure is concerned?1
Anyway, at the retreat some of us talked about the shared responsibility of information when it comes to successful sex life and how insane it is that two people get together most of the time completely clueless about each other’s bodies and minds using strictly attraction and “we both like pickles” as a compass to drive a relationship. We talked about how fragile trust is and all those situations where in the beginning especially (but also later on, too, when there is infidelity) where one side is too conflicted to ask (usually the woman) and the other side continues the lie, unconfronted and how they build some sort of a grotesque Intimacy Monster that will later take years and 3,857 therapy sessions to dismantle. Wouldn’t it be easier to just have these honest conversations and lay things out and go from there?
I’ve come with the most average lovers strictly because I loved and trusted them. There was another lover I once had who I knew was in other relationships (I was too). We talked about all of that before we went to bed. He shared with me honestly and we checked in with each other often to see how we were doing emotionally about having to juggle the whole circus. It wasn’t easy but the trust we built and the love I did feel was conducive to my pleasure. I was given an opportunity to choose and make a decision instead of having to wonder how I was going to get hurt. And lo and behold, we eventually fell in love and became monogamous naturally; it was like helium to my ego to be loved by that man and vice versa. I learned then that I wasn’t jealous or territorial or hysterical – all those things I’ve been called by cheaters – but that I could share intimacy in a space that was sacred and respected. He later said, it was so much better than getting notches on his bed post, to be able to build and expand a kingdom with one queen, to constantly learn each other uninterrupted. And it was.
Clever electronic devices barred, the big truth is, most women orgasm with another person when they feel loved. When they feel safe. Women are lifegivers, they are magical beings who bleed with the moon, whose cycles mirror the tides. The average menstrual cycle is 28 days — just like the moon’s orbit around the Earth. Their bodies respond to light, to rhythm, to scent. Studies show women’s pheromones can sync up, their hormones can shift with stress, moonlight, even other women. They can grow hearts, brains, and livers inside them, then birth them into the world. To make such a being open and orgasm is an accomplishment and a gift – to you and to her – and a confirmation that you too are a magician.
A number of studies have found the clitoris was either underrepresented or unlabelled properly in anatomy books. The first comprehensive study of the clitoris was published in 1998 but it wasn’t until 2005 that the organ was examined fully under an MRI. Yet, since 2005, properly labeled, detailed clitoral anatomy still remains mostly absent from medical research and curriculum. One literature review found that by 2022 there have been only 11 articles on anatomical dissection of the clitoris published since 1947. The average high-school student will not encounter a clearly labeled diagram with an accurately drawn and labeled clitoris until post-secondary education. In Canada, where I live, Quebec is the only province where sexual pleasure is discussed in the curriculum. It is almost impossible to find a description of a clitoris that doesn’t have at least one reference to it being homologous to a penis. Before 2022, have you ever seen an accurate picture of a clitoris? You should be able to find it now. It looks like some sort of a cosmic orchid. The tiny visible protrusion is only the external tip of the glans that extends beneath the pubic bone and splits, wrapping around the vaginal opening. The split is called crura (legs) and it contains the dorsal nerve which is the main nerve responsible for clitoral sensation. A researcher found the dorsal nerve had 10,281 nerve fibers in total (in comparison, a penis has about 4,000 of such nerves). Underneath the crura, there are two heavy bulbs that become engorged with blood when a woman is aroused and are believed to be responsible for “vaginal” orgasms by “pressing” against the opening.
All true.