The shame of you (being my friend)

This is a perfect definition of insanity. Willingly keeping toxic people around is nothing but insane.

The other day I was meeting with a friend and she asked me if I was still talking to M., a troubled friend whose toxicity has caused a lot of heartache and self-reproach. Unfortunately, the answer was “yes,” and in fact, I have talked to M.right before she and I hung out despite the fact that I said that I will stop talking to M. “What is it about this guy?” my friend, who has no problem being blunt, said and I said whatever I say when I’m asked about it, which was, “I know, I know, I know,” and then I felt defeated because, again, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. I know I should use my time and energy on people who are kind, and genuinely care for me. But I’m all about potential and redemption; I will give people more chances that it’s healthy — to my own detriment sometimes.

Listen, I don’t know what it is about That Guy. Does he have potential? He’s fun, he’s quirky, he’s a little broken. Imperfect. In other words, he’s like every other person I fall in love with and make my friend. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just bad for me. It’s not his fault, but because I keep him around, his presence testifies to the fact that there’s something wrong with me. I know that I have friends who consider That Guy to be my one rotten personality trait, maybe not as injurious to my well-being as active addiction but in the same realm. There have been many, many times when M. did or said something that was harmful and I’ve gone and tried to find solace and support with those friends and I probably swore up and down that I will untangle from him. (Another friend told me about a time where she sat around with people who knew me who said how fun I was except I had one major flaw and the flaw was M.)

I don’t think humans can be summarized in simplistic terms and be deemed to be Good or Bad but there are people we keep around that are definitely Bad for You. Now that I’m older, and life is even shorter than it was five minutes ago I don’t have a lot of those people in my life, I am protective of my space, sanity and so on. But I’m not completely in the clear and I still self-harm with other people. And I am ashamed — of the fact that I still keep them around and because I worry that keeping them around says something about my character. It says that I don’t actually respect and value my space, sanity and so on. It says that I still allow someone like M. to hurt me, that I practically seek out this hurt when I break my resolve to stay away and then feel sad about being made to feel sad.

We all know the definition of Insanity — doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is a perfect definition of insanity. Willingly keeping toxic people around is nothing but insane.

I know that there are people in romantic situations where this is common, people who stay with partners who treat them terribly, who cheat, lie, get angry, and whom they keep not leaving. This can turn quite dangerous too, when such partner genuinely threatens their life but, and since this is one of those loops of shame, not leaving creates more shame, which makes leaving even harder, which brings on more shame, and so on. You live your life not just in shame over that but also in constant shame by proxy¹, when that person’s rotten behaviour (here, towards you) ends up being a reflection on you too precisely because you allow them in your life.

My situation with M. is that to some extent, except he’s not a problematic boyfriend and it’s easier to hide him. And I do hide him sometimes, meaning, I don’t talk about him unless somebody brings it up like my friend did the other day. I mean sometimes the pressure gets too much and I blurt out that he’s still around and then I make some stupid self-deprecating joke about it and I try not to get paranoid about whether it’s disgust or pity I see in my friends’ eyes. Sometimes, I imagine M. to be this ugly, little thing stuck to me, like a wart, and my voice goes higher and shakes when I explain that it’s still there, that I’m not interested in removing that wart, that, actually, I enjoy having the wart. And I feel as stupid as one would when trying to defend a wart’s presence.

One study that investigated this "Vicarious Shame and Guilt" by Schnall, S. (2011) explored the phenomenon of vicarious shame and guilt, and aimed to understand the underlying mechanisms and emotional responses involved in experiencing these emotions by proxy. The study’s participants were presented with written scenarios that described various situations involving someone they were associated with (e.g., family member, or colleague) committing an embarrassing or morally questionable act. After reading each scenario, participants were asked to rate the degree of vicarious shame and guilt they experienced on behalf of the person in the scenario. The study also examined factors that might influence the intensity of these emotions, such as the level of closeness to the person involved and the severity of the act committed.

The study found that participants indeed experienced vicarious shame and guilt when they imagined someone they were associated with committing an embarrassing or morally questionable act. The intensity of these emotions was influenced by the level of closeness to the person involved and the perceived severity of the transgression. Although the experiment was designed to shed light on the interpersonal nature of shame and guilt, it was also an important study that showed how empathy and social connections can play a role in influencing the emotional experiences of shame and guilt.

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