"Why Women Love Me"

This was a subtitle for my book GUY. But here I will tell you about my former fascination with Fckbois.

I have a confession to make: I used to attract and am attracted to a certain kind of a man who most women would categorize as a Fckboi (the olden term would be “Playboy” or “Womanizer”). I am no, I used to be fascinated by this species because they presented a special challenge – they were charming and gave you exactly what you wanted (in that moment, so not necessarily sex¹) while being completely uncatchable. To trap and keep one of those was quite a feat. Now that I’m older and that I have good friends around me who point out certain truths, I understand that for me, getting into these predicaments was not about love, it was about other things: winning and ego. And it was also definitely a form of addiction: there’s nothing like enrolling in a rigged game of intermittent reward – the very mechanism that hooks lab rats on levers and gamblers on slots. Fckboi’s affection comes in unpredictable bursts: a flood of charm, a sudden kiss, a night where you feel chosen – followed by cold silence, flirtations with others (always), the slow fade. The inconsistency trains your nervous system to crave him harder, not less. You chase the high of being wanted, not realizing the real addiction is to the not knowing.

I am an addict. I get hooked easily. I might be in recovery but I am not immune to dopamine. Fixating on a playboy is like microdosing a drug I know can kill me: each unpredictable gesture triggers a surge of dopamine, the same neurotransmitter hijacked by cocaine or alcohol. The brain learns to associate his attention with reward, and the uncertainty only intensifies the craving. For someone prone to addiction, this loop isn’t just emotional, it can be biochemical. The highs feel euphoric, the lows unbearable, and soon, he’s not a person anymore, but a fix. (But also Fckbois don’t pose a danger only to women prone to addiction, just as vodka doesn’t only harm alcoholics. And both vodka and Fckbois are super fun in the beginning.)

I consider myself chill and uninterested in competing for anything, I hide my assertive, hunter side well until absolutely pushed. But herein lies my kryptonite — Fckbois push. Or that’s where my kryptonite used to lie. For example, I was so devoted (subconsciously or not) to this chase that in my 20s I entered a relationship with one such guy (or he just had a reputation), that lasted years. This is not some massive secret, everyone knows that I was with the “bad boy of CanLit” for approximately thousand years so don’t get too excited, you’re not learning any gossip if you thought you were. He was proud of it and I was proud of making him mine and then we turned into regular people and fell madly in love and even made a baby.

I don’t run from my demons—I meet them head on. Then I invite them to move in with me. Okay, jokes aside, I stayed fascinated with the Fckboi dynamic, especially since I met someone else later who didn’t even hide what he was, he was proud of it and shared some of his conquests with me. Ironically, this person brought me to my first AA meeting (and we stayed friends). And then I met another one who was even more attuned to his talents with women and unapologetic about it – part of Fckboi charm is being disarming and also, funny. (Fckbois are not just attractive, they are the funniest men you will meet.) And then I met another one who was possibly the most challenging kind, a covert Fckboi, also known as a Poet Fckboi². PF is the kind of a Fckboi who frequently masquerades as Sensitive Man, and he might be looking for “connections,” exchanging “energies;” he also does art and is often claiming to be searching for The One. PF will write a song about/ for you. Or buy you some sort of cheap crystal trinket you can hang around your neck to feel the burning sting of shame when again you move your plans around to accommodate him. I didn’t get a trinket. I got a song though and, yes, dear children, I sing it till this day when painting my dog’s nails or blow-drying individual grapes for a fruit photoshoot.

Remember when I said I don’t run from my demons? Naturally, once I had my share of these charmers, there was nothing left for me to do but to write a book about it. That’s how Guy was created. Guy is written from the first POV, meaning for the duration of writing it, I became one of those men and, man (lol), what a ride that was. Guy dissects the manipulative charm, self-delusion, and emotional wreckage left in the wake of a very successful Fckboi who sees women as mirrors for his ego, not as people. To research for it I infiltrated a Pick Up Artist forum, and I interviewed quite a few Fckbois (there was a website where they could leave anonymous confessions³) and I had my own personal Fckboi around to run some ideas by but I hate how that relationship ended because years later he accused me of using him, once I turned down his love (which was too little too late). I’m sure he’s not reading this but if he is, that’s bullshit, I did truly love him. Or maybe I was just fixated. These are the things I’m thinking about as I’m taking apart all of my shames — both privately and here, as part of my art.

Now tell me, does knowing how something works and how it harms you actually helps you to stay away from it? Maybe. And to be honest, now that I’m thinking about it, I also think of those men, how I reduce them to this offensive moniker. They are human, just like the women they use. And, of course, many eventually wake up feeling weird and empty and trying to figure out why everything seems like an imitation of life – because it is. Desire with a fake intimacy is a performance, and charm without vulnerability is just a costume that gets heavier the longer you wear it.

1. Important to note Fckbois aren’t necessarily sex gods but they often believe they are and this is only perpetuated by the many women who have convinced them of this, most likely to make them happy & make them stay. We are the problem, us.

2. I’m in the arts but I’m sure people in different industries have their equivalent of a covert Fckboi, like maybe in Sales, you’ll have a Closer Fckboi who will make give a dazzling, over-the-top gesture: surprise trip, custom gift, maybe even a proposal-style dinner but not because he loves you, but because he’s about to “close the deal”? I don’t know but you know.

3. It was shocking but not entirely surprising how many of them wanted to boast about their conquests. I don’t know why but the one that stayed with me, was a Scottish guy, Channing Tatum-lookaline who was a brilliant doctor and a musician and an athlete (he was the whole package – we went on one date so I confirm), who moved close to his favourite pub so that he could shorten the distance between the pub and his house when he’d pick up women in the said pub.